Dear February:
¿What have you done to me? I couldn’t have hoped nor wished for a more hectic month than you. So many changes, so many special moments, so many beautiful moments that will stay with me for the rest of my life.
When 2017 was born I hoped to have a calm year. I wasn’t sure of what accomplishments I was ready to face, nor how many disappointments were there going to be. But one thing is for sure. I did not expected for February to be my favorite month so far.
For the last couple of years I’ve been struggling with a special topic. I heard mean comments about trans people even coming from those close to me. I was scared of transphobia if that was going to be my life if I dared to reveal my dear precious secret. I never spoke about this with anyone at all because I was scared. Coming out as a trans boy was terrifying but at the end of the day it came out way better than I expected.
The hardest part of it all wasn’t to say «hey, I want to be a boy, please treat me as such.» but to come out to those close to me fearing rejection or awkwardness. I knew since the beginning of this journey that support was a thing I will always have. But my mind couldn’t stop replaying the same question «but what if they feel awkward? what if they are not comfortable with it or don’t agree?«. The rejection from strangers was something I never feared. I can block the mean comments and done. But my pals, my squad, my sister, my best friend. What about them? What if I lose any of them because of who I want to be? Of how I feel? Yes, the support I knew was there. But I needed their love and understatement to feel fully comfortable. And God… dear God I had it!! First with my internet squad. Their love and encouragement helped me open up and have trust in myself. Love myself enough to put me in front of the camera for the first time and post the results. This lead to me opening up to them of how I felt. And they embraced every single word and minute. I couldn’t be more happier. One weight less on my shoulders. Next, was my sister. She always saw me as a strong, older, more protective figure. She never cared if I hated to dress in certain ways. And her words. Her words shattered thousands of walls I built for many years and left me healed. Healed of that self hate I used to have. And again, another weight on my shoulders gone.
What came next was what brought even more happiness than I expected…
To come out to my online friends was something. To come out to my «in real life» friend was another experience completely different. To sit in front of a person and tell them how you feel, what are your thoughts, nervously awaiting for their reaction killed me. But she embraced just as well my new me. And days later I realized that she and my sister prepared a small party to welcome Nico.
I had to fight the tears threatening to fall because I was not just surprised but incredible thankful for all the trouble they went through to make it possible. My sister spending weeks preparing everything, and my friend lending her house to make it happen, since I am not able to talk about it in front of my family, for they are not just homophobic but transphobic as well and I’d be in a lot of trouble if they find the truth.
Things went absolutely perfect, and I found myself happier and much more different than I was. Experiencing things I never tried for fear. Fear of rejection. But that is when life came in and decided to spice things up.
Oh dear February. You scared the hell out of me.
The day after such an emotive party, my friend’s dog got hit by a car and had to be taken care of. My friend couldn’t do it alone so I told myself «if she was there for me when I needed, why can’t I return such a gesture?» So along with my sister we spent the entire week coming and going to her house in order to help her out. I am not saying I’m the most amazing friend. I disappointed her the last day and almost lost her friendship. But that is the point, right? To go through the ups and lows together. And that week brought us closer than we’ve ever been.
Now March is here and you are gone. But February. Dear February, I will never forget how much you did for me. Not just finally getting the hair cut I wished for the longest time. But for the love, comfortableness, care, gentleness, and acceptance you brought in me.
I love you and will always be forever grateful.
Yours truly,
Nico.
symphonyofsoldier 